Quit Trying To Be Perfect
Perfectionism is like a double-edged sword-
it cuts both ways. Perfectionists often don't realize that they
are hurting themselves by their own actions.
Perfectionism is a duel with oneself, the ultimate "no-win" situation.
Perfectionists tell themselves that their determination to be perfect will
win success, acceptance, love and fulfillment, yet the opposite more
often occurs. Even when perfectionists do achieve, the methods they
use can deprive them of the very love and acceptance they want so
badly to gain.
Perfectionism is not a healthy pursuit of excellence.
There are big differences between perfectionists and healthy
achievers.
Perfectionists believe that mistakes must never be made and that the
highest standards of performance must always be achieved.
Those who strive for excellence in a healthy way take genuine
pleasure in trying to meet high standards. Perfectionists on the other
hand are full of self-doubts and fears of disapproval, ridicule and
rejection.
The healthy striver has drive, while the perfectionist is driven.
Perfectionist Healthy Striver
Costs of Perfectionism
Perfectionism takes a great toll. Perfectionists are likely to experience
decreased productivity, impaired health, troubled interpersonal
relationships, and low self-esteem.
Perfectionists are vulnerable to:
Depression
Performance anxiety
Test anxiety
Social anxiety
Writer's block
Obsessiveness
Compulsiveness
Suicidal thoughts
Loneliness
Impatience
Frustration
Anger
Perfectionism: Myths and Realities
Sometimes it's hard to distinguish motivation for healthy achievement
from unhealthy perfectionism, and sometimes we make the distinction
even harder by holding on to myths about perfectionism. This makes
life a good deal more difficult than need be.
Below are common myths about perfectionism.
MYTH:
I wouldn't be the success I am today if I weren't such a perfectionist.
REALITY:
Perfectionism does not lead to success and fulfillment. Although some
perfectionists are remarkably successful, what they fail to realize is
that their success has been achieved despite-not because of-their
compulsive striving.
There is no evidence that perfectionists are more successful
than their non-perfectionistic counterparts.
There is evidence that given similar levels of talent, skill or intellect,
perfectionists perform less successfully than non-perfectionists.
MYTH:
Perfectionists get things done and they do things right.
REALITY:
Perfectionists often have problems with procrastination, missed
deadlines, and low productivity.
Psychologists find that perfectionists tend to be "all-or-nothing"
thinkers. They see events and experiences as either good or bad,
perfect or imperfect, with nothing in between. Such thinking often
leads to procrastination, because a requirement of flawless
perfection, in even the smallest of tasks, can become fearfully
overwhelming. The perfectionist believes that the flawless product or
superb performance must be produced every time. Perfectionists
believe if it can't be done perfectly, it's not worth doing.
Such beliefs often lead to undesired results. A perfectionist student
may turn in a paper weeks late (or not at all), rather than turn it in on
time with less-than-perfect sentences. A perfectionist worker may
spend so much time agonizing over some non-critical detail that a
critical project misses its deadline.
MYTH:
Perfectionists are determined to overcome all obstacles to success.
REALITY:
Although perfectionists follow an "I'll-keep-trying-until-it's-perfect"
credo, they are especially vulnerable to potentially serious difficulties
such as depression, writer's block, and performance and social
anxiety.
These internal blocks to productivity, achievement, and success result
from the perfectionist's focus on end-products. Instead of
concentrating on the process of accomplishing a task, perfectionists
focus exclusively on the outcome of their efforts. Far from an asset,
this relentless pursuit of the ultimate goal becomes the perfectionist's
greatest liability; the resultant sense of overwhelming anxiety often
sabotages the perfectionist's efforts.
MYTH:
Perfectionists just have this enormous desire to please others and to
be the very best they can.
REALITY:
Perfectionistic tendencies often begin as an attempt to win love,
acceptance, and approval.
Perfectionists are driven by low self-esteem, so their own needs
ultimately blind them to the needs and wishes of others. Indeed, their
compulsiveness may lead others to beg for a change that the
perfectionist cannot or will not make. Perfectionism is more likely
to complicate than enhance one's relationships.
The "perfect human" is as appealing and mythical a concept as the
unicorn. Many of our greatest endeavors are indeed accomplished
while striving to perfect ourselves. Great achievers, like perfectionists,
want to be and do better; unlike perfectionists, they are willing to make
mistakes and risk failure. Great achievers recognize mistakes, failure,
and general imperfection as part of the reality of being human.
Coping Strategies
Overcoming perfectionism requires courage, for it means accepting
our imperfections and humanness. Here are several strategies that will
help replace perfectionistic habits with healthier, more satisfying
behavior patterns.
1. Make a list of the advantages and disadvantages
of trying to be perfect.
When you make your own list of costs and benefits, you may find that
the costs are too great. You may discover that problems with
relationships, excessive workaholism, eating and substance abuse
problems, and other compulsive behaviors (plus the accompanying
anxiety, nervousness, feelings of inadequacy, self-criticism, and so on)
actually outweigh whatever advantages perfectionism holds for you.
2. Increase your awareness of the self-critical nature
of your all-or-nothing thoughts, and how they extend
to other people in your life.
Learn to substitute more realistic, reasonable thoughts for your
habitually critical ones. When you find yourself berating a
less-than-perfect performance, whether your own or someone else's,
force yourself to look at and acknowledge the good parts of that
performance. Then ask yourself questions like these: Is it really as bad
as I feel it is? How do other people see it? Is it a reasonably good
performance for the person(s) and circumstances involved?
3. Be realistic about what you can do.
By setting more realistic goals, you will gradually realize that
"imperfect" results do not lead to the punitive consequences you
expect and fear. Suppose you swim laps every day, not as athletic
training, but for relaxation and exercise. You set yourself the goal of 20
laps, and you can barely swim 15. If you are perfectionistic, you soon
feel disappointed at your poor performance and anxious about
improving it. You may even give up swimming because you're not
"good enough."
Suppose that instead you tell yourself 15 laps is good enough for now.
You accept the possibility that you may never be able to swim 20 laps
easily, if at all. So you continue swimming without anxiety. You don't
necessarily stop trying to improve, but you swim for fun and exercise
and relaxation-for however many laps you can. Perfectionists often
miss out on fun, relaxation and satisfaction.
4. Set strict time limits on each of your projects.
When the time is up, move on: attend to another
activity.
This technique reduces the procrastination that typically results from
perfectionism. Suppose you must find references for a term paper and
also study for an exam. Set time limits. For example: Decide that you
will spend only 3 hours looking up references, then only 3 more hours
studying for the test. If you stick to your time limits, you won't spend
the entire day searching for elusive references, nor try to study late at
night when you are too tired to be effective.
5. Learn how to deal with criticism.
Perfectionists often view criticism as a personal attack, responding to
it defensively. Concentrate on being more objective about the
criticism, and about yourself. If someone criticizes you for making a
mistake, acknowledge the mistake and assert your right to make
mistakes.
Remind that person and yourself that if you stop making mistakes, you
also stop learning and growing. Once you no longer buy into the
fallacy that humans must be perfect to be worthwhile, you won't feel
so angry or defensive when you make a mistake. Criticism will then
seem like a natural thing from which to learn, rather than something to
be avoided at all costs.
The South Indian Monkey Trap: A Parable
One of the characteristics of perfectionists is their "value rigidity."
They refuse to let go of particular ideas, even in the face of obvious
evidence to the contrary. Here is a fable illustrating the pitfalls of value
rigidity, adapted from Robert Pirsig's well-known work, Zen and the Art
of Motorcycle Maintenance.
The "South Indian Monkey Trap" was developed by villagers to catch
the ever-present and numerous small monkeys in that part of the
world. It involves a hollowed-out coconut chained to a stake. The
coconut has some rice inside which can be seen through a small hole.
The hole is just big enough so that the monkey can put his hand in,
but too small for his fist to come out after he has grabbed the rice.
Tempted by the rice, the monkey reaches in and is suddenly trapped.
He is not able to see that it is his own fist that traps him, his own desire
for the rice. He rigidly holds on to the rice, because he values it. He
cannot let go and by doing so retain his freedom. So the trap works
and the villagers capture him.
As perfectionists we need to rethink our own values and decide
whether we are going to continue to be trapped by these values
or free ourselves.
it cuts both ways. Perfectionists often don't realize that they
are hurting themselves by their own actions.
Perfectionism is a duel with oneself, the ultimate "no-win" situation.
Perfectionists tell themselves that their determination to be perfect will
win success, acceptance, love and fulfillment, yet the opposite more
often occurs. Even when perfectionists do achieve, the methods they
use can deprive them of the very love and acceptance they want so
badly to gain.
Perfectionism is not a healthy pursuit of excellence.
There are big differences between perfectionists and healthy
achievers.
Perfectionists believe that mistakes must never be made and that the
highest standards of performance must always be achieved.
Those who strive for excellence in a healthy way take genuine
pleasure in trying to meet high standards. Perfectionists on the other
hand are full of self-doubts and fears of disapproval, ridicule and
rejection.
The healthy striver has drive, while the perfectionist is driven.
Perfectionist Healthy Striver
Costs of Perfectionism
Perfectionism takes a great toll. Perfectionists are likely to experience
decreased productivity, impaired health, troubled interpersonal
relationships, and low self-esteem.
Perfectionists are vulnerable to:
Depression
Performance anxiety
Test anxiety
Social anxiety
Writer's block
Obsessiveness
Compulsiveness
Suicidal thoughts
Loneliness
Impatience
Frustration
Anger
Perfectionism: Myths and Realities
Sometimes it's hard to distinguish motivation for healthy achievement
from unhealthy perfectionism, and sometimes we make the distinction
even harder by holding on to myths about perfectionism. This makes
life a good deal more difficult than need be.
Below are common myths about perfectionism.
MYTH:
I wouldn't be the success I am today if I weren't such a perfectionist.
REALITY:
Perfectionism does not lead to success and fulfillment. Although some
perfectionists are remarkably successful, what they fail to realize is
that their success has been achieved despite-not because of-their
compulsive striving.
There is no evidence that perfectionists are more successful
than their non-perfectionistic counterparts.
There is evidence that given similar levels of talent, skill or intellect,
perfectionists perform less successfully than non-perfectionists.
MYTH:
Perfectionists get things done and they do things right.
REALITY:
Perfectionists often have problems with procrastination, missed
deadlines, and low productivity.
Psychologists find that perfectionists tend to be "all-or-nothing"
thinkers. They see events and experiences as either good or bad,
perfect or imperfect, with nothing in between. Such thinking often
leads to procrastination, because a requirement of flawless
perfection, in even the smallest of tasks, can become fearfully
overwhelming. The perfectionist believes that the flawless product or
superb performance must be produced every time. Perfectionists
believe if it can't be done perfectly, it's not worth doing.
Such beliefs often lead to undesired results. A perfectionist student
may turn in a paper weeks late (or not at all), rather than turn it in on
time with less-than-perfect sentences. A perfectionist worker may
spend so much time agonizing over some non-critical detail that a
critical project misses its deadline.
MYTH:
Perfectionists are determined to overcome all obstacles to success.
REALITY:
Although perfectionists follow an "I'll-keep-trying-until-it's-perfect"
credo, they are especially vulnerable to potentially serious difficulties
such as depression, writer's block, and performance and social
anxiety.
These internal blocks to productivity, achievement, and success result
from the perfectionist's focus on end-products. Instead of
concentrating on the process of accomplishing a task, perfectionists
focus exclusively on the outcome of their efforts. Far from an asset,
this relentless pursuit of the ultimate goal becomes the perfectionist's
greatest liability; the resultant sense of overwhelming anxiety often
sabotages the perfectionist's efforts.
MYTH:
Perfectionists just have this enormous desire to please others and to
be the very best they can.
REALITY:
Perfectionistic tendencies often begin as an attempt to win love,
acceptance, and approval.
Perfectionists are driven by low self-esteem, so their own needs
ultimately blind them to the needs and wishes of others. Indeed, their
compulsiveness may lead others to beg for a change that the
perfectionist cannot or will not make. Perfectionism is more likely
to complicate than enhance one's relationships.
The "perfect human" is as appealing and mythical a concept as the
unicorn. Many of our greatest endeavors are indeed accomplished
while striving to perfect ourselves. Great achievers, like perfectionists,
want to be and do better; unlike perfectionists, they are willing to make
mistakes and risk failure. Great achievers recognize mistakes, failure,
and general imperfection as part of the reality of being human.
Coping Strategies
Overcoming perfectionism requires courage, for it means accepting
our imperfections and humanness. Here are several strategies that will
help replace perfectionistic habits with healthier, more satisfying
behavior patterns.
1. Make a list of the advantages and disadvantages
of trying to be perfect.
When you make your own list of costs and benefits, you may find that
the costs are too great. You may discover that problems with
relationships, excessive workaholism, eating and substance abuse
problems, and other compulsive behaviors (plus the accompanying
anxiety, nervousness, feelings of inadequacy, self-criticism, and so on)
actually outweigh whatever advantages perfectionism holds for you.
2. Increase your awareness of the self-critical nature
of your all-or-nothing thoughts, and how they extend
to other people in your life.
Learn to substitute more realistic, reasonable thoughts for your
habitually critical ones. When you find yourself berating a
less-than-perfect performance, whether your own or someone else's,
force yourself to look at and acknowledge the good parts of that
performance. Then ask yourself questions like these: Is it really as bad
as I feel it is? How do other people see it? Is it a reasonably good
performance for the person(s) and circumstances involved?
3. Be realistic about what you can do.
By setting more realistic goals, you will gradually realize that
"imperfect" results do not lead to the punitive consequences you
expect and fear. Suppose you swim laps every day, not as athletic
training, but for relaxation and exercise. You set yourself the goal of 20
laps, and you can barely swim 15. If you are perfectionistic, you soon
feel disappointed at your poor performance and anxious about
improving it. You may even give up swimming because you're not
"good enough."
Suppose that instead you tell yourself 15 laps is good enough for now.
You accept the possibility that you may never be able to swim 20 laps
easily, if at all. So you continue swimming without anxiety. You don't
necessarily stop trying to improve, but you swim for fun and exercise
and relaxation-for however many laps you can. Perfectionists often
miss out on fun, relaxation and satisfaction.
4. Set strict time limits on each of your projects.
When the time is up, move on: attend to another
activity.
This technique reduces the procrastination that typically results from
perfectionism. Suppose you must find references for a term paper and
also study for an exam. Set time limits. For example: Decide that you
will spend only 3 hours looking up references, then only 3 more hours
studying for the test. If you stick to your time limits, you won't spend
the entire day searching for elusive references, nor try to study late at
night when you are too tired to be effective.
5. Learn how to deal with criticism.
Perfectionists often view criticism as a personal attack, responding to
it defensively. Concentrate on being more objective about the
criticism, and about yourself. If someone criticizes you for making a
mistake, acknowledge the mistake and assert your right to make
mistakes.
Remind that person and yourself that if you stop making mistakes, you
also stop learning and growing. Once you no longer buy into the
fallacy that humans must be perfect to be worthwhile, you won't feel
so angry or defensive when you make a mistake. Criticism will then
seem like a natural thing from which to learn, rather than something to
be avoided at all costs.
The South Indian Monkey Trap: A Parable
One of the characteristics of perfectionists is their "value rigidity."
They refuse to let go of particular ideas, even in the face of obvious
evidence to the contrary. Here is a fable illustrating the pitfalls of value
rigidity, adapted from Robert Pirsig's well-known work, Zen and the Art
of Motorcycle Maintenance.
The "South Indian Monkey Trap" was developed by villagers to catch
the ever-present and numerous small monkeys in that part of the
world. It involves a hollowed-out coconut chained to a stake. The
coconut has some rice inside which can be seen through a small hole.
The hole is just big enough so that the monkey can put his hand in,
but too small for his fist to come out after he has grabbed the rice.
Tempted by the rice, the monkey reaches in and is suddenly trapped.
He is not able to see that it is his own fist that traps him, his own desire
for the rice. He rigidly holds on to the rice, because he values it. He
cannot let go and by doing so retain his freedom. So the trap works
and the villagers capture him.
As perfectionists we need to rethink our own values and decide
whether we are going to continue to be trapped by these values
or free ourselves.
|
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YOU ARE THE MOTORCYCLE important essay on the nature and significance of "quality" and definitely a necessary anodyne to the consequences of a modern world pathologically obsessed with quantity. Although set as a story of a cross-country trip on a motorcycle by a father and son, it is more nearly a journey through 2,000 years of Western philosophy. For some people, this has been a truly life-changing book. |
| OK - as it turns out this one is about a nearly perfect garden. But, flowers are always a welcome thing aren't they? |
| Tthis is just really cool |
| What do the Chinese write on their paintings? Why do they write on them? This shows the intimate relationships among painting, poetry, and calligraphy in Chinese culture. The fundamental unity of writing and painting is shown to be an ancient, though still valid, concept in China. The brush stroke shows the person. Twenty-six luminous reproductions of celebrated works of art illustrate key aspects of this superb union of literature and the visual arts. |
| The last to breathe is the first to drown |
HOUSEWIFE MAFIA CURRENT PROJECT To provide 100,000 gifts of much needed and well earned comfort for our deployed troops. House Wife Mafia is partnering with Soldiers Angel to purchase cool scarves for our active duty military. Our goal is to have 100,000 donated by April 1st. That is when the temperatures start getting over 100 degrees over in the Middle East. This is an item the soldiers are really asking for. The total cost to have one shipped over there is $5 bucks. All donationsare made directly to Soldiers Angels - a 501c3 Non Profit. They accept Paypal to make it super fast and easy for you. Together we really can make a big difference with just a small amount of effort. We hope you will join us to show the world just what we can accomplish when we work together! |
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Oops - sorry - turned into a Rasafari for a
moment. Time to start playing something
besides Bob Marley in the office..........
moment. Time to start playing something
besides Bob Marley in the office..........
| ? What if you were to accept that you are wonderful and very much a work in progress? You will be even more wonderful tomorrow! |
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